Tuesday, 18 May 2010


In the week that saw the Government call for the appointment of a Broadband Minister, a 'Daily Tooth' mole uncovered top secret files containing more than 8 'stealth policies' including a proposal seemingly from The Rt Hon the Baroness Anelay of St Johns and apparently backed by the Prime Minister to ban the Internet!

'Utterly Flaccid'

The files were recovered from a brand new Range Rover which was found abandoned on a well known 'Chagging' site in Kingsbridge Circus near Romford. 'Chagging' is a relatively new phenomenon purportedly originating in and around public car parks in the Kensington area of London. 'Chaggers', as they are known (usually men and women of high profile), will meet in dimly lit car parks and wooded areas for bouts of a voyeuristic game where each person goes head-to-head in a 'Pokemon' style card challenge, swiping their credit cards through a reader to produce a set of numbers relating to the owners credit and personal wealth. The results are logged and the winner is granted immunity of an undisclosed length of time by the tabloids.
The documents discovered reveal a shocking Tory plan to phase out the Internet in the U.K. within the next 8 months and render it "utterly flaccid for use" by July 2011. According to Science Minister David Willetts the most effective way of enforcing such a ban within a short space of time is to inject hot fat from local chip-shops straight down the fibre optic cables underground, thus not only scalding the information and thereby deforming it, but also solidifying around it and suffocating it.


The reason for this techno-mental genocide becomes apparent when reading the annotations, presumably written by Cameron, that graffiti the pages of the proposal:

"(the Internet) has become too readily 'surfable' and the poorer end of my market are in danger of being able to educate themselves"

"(the lower classes) now have the ability to wander down any street in the world with the use of Google Street View, bringing their unruly tendencies and foul 'status' hounds to the homes of the astute, wealthy and groomed"

"SamCam is having trouble logging on to Chatroullete (?)"

Other measures to be taken to eradicate digital information include the closure of 'Currys', strict enforcement of colourless, one button fruit machines which are operated with sterling, but pay out with foreign stamps, the reinstatement of abacuses replacing the common and scientific calculator, personalised road maps to replace sat-nav which indicate only the roads you will be assigned, library use granted only by genealogy and birthright and no numbers on front doors even though "they are not yet digital".

'Arse Rinse'

Shocked by these hidden policies 'The Daily Tooth' contacted former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott at his wife's home in Hull for his thoughts on this despicable scheme.

The Daily Tooth: Mr Prescott, having been presented with the evidence recently uncovered how do you stand on the opposition's planned Internet ban?

Mr Prescott: "It's a fucking joke in't it? How can 'e reckon 'e can go and do that, eh?"

TDT: From the documents we've shown you it seems a very real possibility.

JP: "What? Wi' all that chip fat? Bollocks, it won't work. That's not t' say he 'int a soft chuff fer coming out wi' that kind o' tosh, t'internet should be fer everyone, man, child and woman. 'Ere in 'ull it's 'ow we see t'world, go travelling...I'll tell yer summat, if that pig ignorant arse rinse is worried about Goggle Street he's soft as barm, he wants to come down t' real streets! Only last week I had Pauline (Prescott, wife, bread winner) bawling 'er eyes out 'cos some little Billy Casper had taken' wing mirrors off 'er Cortina."

TDT: So the Internet ban will affect you personally then, at a basic, home level?

JP: "Aye, ah should think it will and what it'll boil down to is unthinkable. 'Ow is Pauline goin' t react when she gets in from work an' I'm sat there wi' bare fuckin' cupboards, like Mother fuckin' Hubbard, 'cos ah can't do t'shoppin'? I does it all on t'internet dun't ah? Ah can't be gettin' a 'Day Rider' ticket t'Tesco twice a fuckin' week, I do it all online, it'd skint us on t'bus."

TDT: Looking through these documents, are there any other policies that immediately leap out at you and strike you as shocking?

JP: "Ah dun't know, ah can't see owt now, I've dripped this bloody engine oil all over it, sorry."

'Clegg's own face'

Trying to find an available politician that wasn't tinkering with a lawnmower engine was difficult, so 'The Daily Tooth' logged on, maybe for the last time, to try and email our insiders at No.10 Downing Street.
We asked one of our snoopers if they had access to the current Deputy Prime Minister and Lib-Dem leader Nick Clegg, to see if we could get a few words from him on the subject, however our reply was less than positive and an interview, we were told, would not be forth-coming. According to several eye witnesses a man's malnourished face, presumably Clegg's own face, has been spotted pressed against a tiny attic room window to the rear of No.10.
Informing our mole of this he soon did several circuits of the Prime Minister's house but to no avail, admitting that he "pretty much definitely thinks it must be a secret room, probably accessed through some sort of rotating fireplace or a sham bookcase. Maybe it's just a hologram and he's actually somewhere else. Under the sea. Maybe space."


With the political angle bearing no fruit 'The Daily Tooth' met up with fashion designer, movie producer, model and sometime 'musician' Liam Gallagher as he burst through our taxi cab door and demanded us to get out. However, here at 'The Daily Tooth' we don't fight, we cover our heads scream "not the face" and managed to coerce a short interview from the Mancunian mouth breather:

(30 mins later, after explaining who David Cameron is and what the Internet does)

TDT: Do you think the government has the right to abolish the use of the Internet in the U.K.?

LG: "Whaddya mean? Whaddya mean 'abolish'?

TDT: It means 'to get rid of something' to 'ban it'

LG: "Yeah man, like when they tried to pobolish John Lennon for smokin' weed, man. It's fuckin' bang outta order. The Internet right, it's got all the stuff I'm mad for on it, like solitaire, an' a webcam for doin' me hair, an' keys where I type me name 'L.I.A.M.' then print it out on stickers and put it on all me good stuff so our kid don't rob it an'....."

TDT: No, Liam, that's just your computer, not the Internet

L.G: "Whaddya mean?"

TDT: Ok, on a different note, how do you feel about the rumours that Nick Clegg is being hidden away from view, almost smothered some would say, by the Conservative government?

L.G: "Whaddya mean? Don't know nothin' about the Internet, don't want to."

TDT: No, Liam, not the Internet now, but the possibility of illegal imprisonment of the Deputy Prime Minister by the Tories?

L.G: "Yeah man, Tony Blair, man. Our kid went 'round his house y'know? Our kid was madferit but I couldn't be arsed y'know? I've got one of the kids in me ear asking for fucking 'Power Rangers', can't give 'im the 'Power Rangers' 'cos it's where I've hidden me coke, Patsy in me other ear asking for me to shave me beard off, can't shave me beard off 'cos that's where I've hidden me other coke, some blokes at the door asking to be paid 'cos apparently they're in the fucking Oasis or whatever an' I'm just like 'right, fuck off the lot of yer I'm off to Tony Blair's house' get there, too late, they're all packed up...I wake up, it's 2002 an' Ive fuckin' missed everythin'."

TDT: So, no opinions either way then Liam?

L.G: "Whaddya mean? Who the fuck are you?"
So, there we have it, the voice of the 'people'.
How are you going to cope without the Internet?
Can you cope without the Internet?
This maybe the last thing you ever read on the World Wide Web.
That's a thought, right there.

Sleep safely people of Britain.

Sleep tight.