Whilst dusting out an old suitcase, as one tends to do on the second Thursday of the month, I came upon an old diary that I used to fill with *ahem* witticisms, fantastical tails of modern madness, beautiful illustrations and...well, this thing I used to do.
I used this diary in 2004 when I was frequently making the arduous train journey from Leeds to London using money that should have been securing my residence at a flat called Kelso Heights, instead I wisely used it to travel to London in style and to hell with the consequences. Anyhow, on these many journeys I would entertain myself with a completely pointless and highly un-amusing game whereabouts I would wait until the announcer called out "We will be arriving into King's Cross Station in approximately five minutes", I would then scramble for my bag, retrieve my diary and scribble out a stream-of-conscious poem or limerick as fast as I could, making no notes or amendments and stopping only when the train stopped.
As you can imagine there are reams and reams of utter fucking nonsense and surreal tripe, along with lists of swear words in different orders, but as I made the journey more often the scribblings got marginally better, to the point where I could write basic verse with arguable clarity and a modicum of schoolyard humour, to the point where I could create an ending as the journey ended, to the point I wrote this Nobel-esque screamer:
'That Monkey and Me'
I was ice-skating on the moons of Mars when I stumbled across a broken vase,
I kicked it about and poked it a bit when out jumped a monkey-Mars-vase-hermit,
A baboon he was who lived on mars,
Y'know, one of them with a big red arse?
He asked me to refrain from kicking his home,
I found it quite odd that his hat was a bone.
"A bone for a hat?" I questioned his taste,
He didn't reply but bit into my face,
I ran and ran and hid in a crater,
But I would regret this sooner rather than later.
He quickly gave chase with his marrow head gear,
I shivered and crouched in mortal fear,
At once I was found by my simian attacker,
As he sunk his teeth into my left knacker!
I yelped in pain and bashed his tits,
I landed around four solid hits,
But his breasts were metal with diamond tips,
A monkey with precious stones for nips.
I looked around for a route of escape,
Some secret tunnel that I might take,
But as I searched around, my clothes all raggedy,
I noticed I was in a nasal cavity!
"This isn't Mars upon where I tread, but a great big bloody giant's head!"
This wasn't the cosmos or outer space,
It was bizarrely a big bugger's face!
I looked at the ape and he looked at me,
I wasn't me and he wasn't he,
I had a grin, grinned it with glee,
'cos he was just a giants flea!
I smashed his teeth with my big strong hand
and ran for help across this bearded land,
Just when I thought I was out of luck,
I made my home in a damp tear duct.
Now I live on a lovely face,
Got myself a lovely, warm place,
Everything has now gone to plan,
'cos these handsome features belong to Morgan Freeman!
There we go ladies and gents, a piece of fine prose that took as long for me to write as it did for you to read, no thought, no pre-emptive mulling over of ideas, just open floodgates and let the shit pour out.