Language as a form of communication has quite rightly been evolving since it's inception, from animalistic grunts (of which many people are still to this day fond of), to vowel formed belches (of which many people are still to this day fond of), right up to the intricate web of verb, noun, pro-noun, suffix, syntax, adjective and so on (of which many people to this day are still unsure of which means what).
The evolution of language can (probably, although not without argumentative research which will not be presented here) be traced parallel to the growing wants and needs of mankind. For example, a goose has absolutely no need for a car jack, thus being that a goose is incapable of driving a car therefore rendering the need to change the tire of an automobile redundant; ergo, the goose does not have a word for 'car jack' just as it has no word for 'car', 'steering wheel', 'petrol', 'de-mobilizer' or 'Anti-Freeze'.
We, as humans, require words for these inventions simply because we require the inventions themselves.
This is not to say that the goose is a mute creature, forced to sail the lakes without communication, the goose simply has language for the needs of itself. For example "Hiiisstthhh" would roughly translate as "Protect goslings, keep away", or "Honnnkkkk" which could possibly read as "Food is in sight, goslings in tow" and so forth. The language that the goose employs serves to guide the goose through it's own natural enviroment.
And whilst the goose's language will have undoubtedly evolved over time (more than likely to include "wholegrain bread" "toastie loaf" and Tesco's "Best of Both") it has done so with an elegant simplicity that in no way whatsoever would become so idiotic as to really piss me off, unlike our fellow human counterparts.
If you have so far been operating under the misapprehension that this blog is either about geese or cars you may want to stop reading now.
Our human language, in this instance the English language, has never had particularly fixed ideals; Obviously certain rules apply, but it is a language that has been bastardized and twisted since it's inception due in part to current slang, trends and advertising campaigns for lager.
But sometimes changes, however minimal they may seem, really boils my fucking piss.
Cases to be reviewed:
To start a sentence, a human sentence in a human language, with the word 'so' implies that whatever is about to follow this prefix is of utmost importance and those whom are about to receive the information have been waiting for it with baited breath.
A classic example of this would be: "So, I have your test results here Mr Lamonte and it seems that the mobile phone will be stuck there for some time unless we operate immediately". Mr Lamonte has obviously been waiting to hear about the lodging and removal of his telephonic device with absolute eagerness, hence the prefix "So...".
Why then, do people who I could care less about talk to me thusly: "So, I bought these new UGG boots that blah, blah, blah, fake tan, blah, blah, blah, Basshunter...".
It is something that is happening with alarming regularity and I implore ANYONE out there who does it to STOP IMMEDIATELY!
2.'I'm sorry but...'
Starting a sentence with "I'm sorry but..." is akin to starting it with "I'm not a racist but...", both imply that what is to follow is generally going to be dishonest and that you have very little conviction in what you are offering to the conversation.
Do you hold you opinions so low that you have to apologise to a person before you offer your tuppence worth? The irony being that the majority of the time such a person could not care a jot whether the other is offended at all.
This utterance is usually accompanied by two rather strange occurrences: a. The speakers voice ascends to a soapbox straddling shrill warble, thereby offering subconsciously that what is about to be spoken is utter bollocks, and b. The eyes, become wide, the eyebrows become arched, yet the eyelids remain virtually closed. This is to give the impression of unflinching honesty, whilst remaining totally blind to the fact that you are a cunt.
3. ''ere mate...'
Hearing this as an opening gambit implies only one thing, waste matter shall invariably be involved, either you are about to have the 'piss' taken out of you or you are about to have the 'shit' kicked out of you. If you are truly unfortunate the former shall be followed by the latter in quick succession.
The irony of the second word is very rarely purposeful, as a colloquialism we all know mate means friend (for 'mate' in America see 'buddy'). So why the usage?
Rev. Archibold Q.T Humbucker states in his book 'The Study of Beastly Language and the Rise of The Super Lad' that it is "used to lure the, usually, spoddy goit into a false sense of security". The flaw being that a sense of security is swiftly eradicated once the victim spots three, sixteen stone calcium silicate conveniences hurtling towards them, fists clenched.
Such gentlemen may use the term thusly: "'ere mate, do you want yr head kicking in"?
To which the answer should almost always be in the negative.
So why ask? Why 'mate'? Why anything? Would it not be preferable to simply state "Here, stranger, I shall prepare myself to pummel you. Catch this Jimmy!"?
The element of surprise and security has been taken out of the statement 'ere mate...' through evolution and years of beatings.
'Mate' is now a threat, created ,unwittingly, by human dog shit.
A word favoured by those who may also appropriate number 2 on the list. Whilst there is nothing particularly aggrieving about the word, it's usage has become deplorable.
Certain people pepper their conversations with this word which renders what they are trying to communicate anything but basic. Surely not every aspect of your life, from washing the cat, to graduating University, to getting married, to burying your youngest child can begin with, contain and end with the word 'basically'?
Yet it is the most common cause of me stopping listening to your conversation. Why is that? Because you are equating everything you do to the simplest of things. No one is interested in the simplest of things when it comes to a story, or the creative aspects of your work. No one wants to look at a square or a circle, they want tetrahedrons and four dimensional trapeziums. They don't want red or blue, they want Burnt Sienna or Cobalt or deep burgundy.
In essence, or more topically 'basically', people know your life is fucking tear jerkingly pointless and boring so fucking spice it up you dullards.
One must point out that the discrepancy comes from the word 'gay' being used in the pejorative sense, such as:
"God! Uuugghh, there is nothing to do on a Tuesday night around here!"
"You shouldn't be going out anyway St Peter, not til you've polished those gates"
"It's just so GAY around here midweek".
It should be noted that it's not the first time the word 'gay' has been corrupted from it's original meaning. Father Lionel Galacticus' tome 'There Were Words That Once Were and Now They're Not' shows that 'gay' used to mean happy, which was then appropriated to mean homosexual and now just means, well, rubbish.
If you are one of the many knuckle dragging, mouth breathing frog spawn looking thick as pig shit twats who use this term thusly, please remove yourself from this mortal existence we refer to as life.
There you go, a simple exercise in the language and usage of humans.
Go forth and spread the good word(s).
Thomas James Greatorex