Thursday, 12 March 2009

No longer fingernailed for you

Dear London,
Hi, it's Tom, how are you? I've been thinking for the past hour of what I may write on this first line and to be truthful nothing seems to fit and so nothing is what I'll write.
You've probably noticed that the last few months haven't been great between us, I'm sorry, I could have probably been more sensitive but I just find it hard to express myself sometimes. I'm not going to write reams and reams of prose to you containing all the 'it's not you it's me' shelf bought cliche spiel because it's insulting, so I think it's best to just lay my fingernails on the table and be honest.
I don't think it's working between us anymore, we are too disparate as individuals, our wants and needs are so different that I can't see how we can develop a true relationship but just grow more and more apart and by staying together we'll end up causing more harm than this email could ever do.
I truly think that it would be for the best if we end what relationship we have before I hurt you more.
I'm sorry and I hope we can meet up occasionally for a drink, I think we might even get on a bit better that way!

Yours sincerely, Thomas xxx

Hi babe! What you talking about you silly sausage? Lol!
Don't worry about it we'll be fine!
I'll come over later and we'll get crunked up and go to Shoreditch's warehouse party, I'll get some mandy and we'll talk about it all then, it'll be fun! Lol!
Laters babe!

London xoxoxo

Hi London,
I'm not sure it's a good idea if we go out tonight, I'm not really in the mood to be honest and I don't think you really understood my email. If I'm going to be truthful I've been thinking a lot recently about my old friend Leeds. We saw each other a week or so ago (don't worry nothing happened!) and since then she's been in the back of my mind, the only reason I'm telling you this is because I didn't want you hearing it from anyone else if something ever did happen between Leeds and I. Derby tried to split us up before and I don't want him shit stirring.
Leeds and I just seem to have more of a bond, I'm sorry.

Thomas x

Oh babe, you should have come last night it was off the hook! Dalston was there and he'd booked this band to play called 'Crystal Christskull', they were aceness, like, they played, like, indie but with, like, the guy singing like the guy from The Fall, yeah? Everyone loved them, no one danced or anything 'cos they were all, like, on loads of ket! I'm going to do their press and be, like basically, their stylist and stuff.
What you chatting about all this Leeds stuff for? She's so out of the loop dude! Lol!
Can you remember when we made those 'Friends' style lists of who we could cheat on with and mine was, like, 1: L.A, 2: New York, 3: Berlin, 4: Portland, 5: India and yours were basically 1: Leeds, 2: Brighton, 3: York, 4: San Francisco, 5: like, somewhere dead quiet and boring! Lol! You're so cute and funny!
Let's go around SOHO's tonight, he has this new bar where literally no one can get in and, like, EVERYONE who is anyone is there!

London lmfao xoxoxo

You really don't get it do you? We're over! Finished! I don't want to see you anymore, we're not compatable. I don't know if I'm not being clear enough, or if you are just upset, but we are no longer an item. Speaking of items, I've boxed up some of your things that you had here like your black cape, checked shirt and fake glasses, I'll drop them off at Brick Lane's place for you.
Again, I'm sorry. Please don't be too upset.


Lmfao! You can keep my black cape LOL! I don't wear it anymore, ebay it for me hun!
Sometimes, yeah, I basically think I'm the greatest DJ ever! Like, last night I was playing records at this Vice thing yeah, and everyone was like bummed out or something so basically I thought 'fuck this' yeah and put on Blink 182, like being ironic ( I think!LOL!) and everyone said that that's exactly what they wanted to hear and so after that I basically just played a load of dead shit records and they were awesome!
Hey, don't be sad! We'll sort us out babe!
Luv ya!


Please don't reply to this email.
We are not going out.
We are over.
I don't want to see you or your irritating friends ever again.


Lol, you're funny!
See you tonight!



  1. I love the way you express yourself.

  2. I wanted to say hahaha but then I realised thats pretty much what London said the whole way through, shit!